Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
