So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
