Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My vagina just clenched in fear
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
