An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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