Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
