The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
