Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
