I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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