All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
