when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
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Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
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BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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