You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
