Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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