i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
