he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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