I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
