Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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