In the future we'll all be gay
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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