God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
