1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
