i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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