everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
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as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
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I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
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