did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
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You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
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Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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