dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
