Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
