ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
