Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
