He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
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So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
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A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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