The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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