Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
