My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
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