It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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