I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Randomize
