You just made me feel so damn special
wrigley field is MILF paradise
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Randomize
