Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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