I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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