He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
