singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
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Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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