id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
