Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
