walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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