how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
