The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
