Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
