Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
