Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
