I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
