Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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