the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
