Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I could fuck to npr.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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