you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
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Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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