i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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