He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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