She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
