you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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