Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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