I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
