my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
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she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
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After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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