Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
